I don’t talk about this often, really, since my depression is just that. My depression. And while I consider myself fairly open with my readers, this has always been an area of my life that I’ve kept private. In fact, it’s so private that I almost never even discuss it with my boyfriend, preferring instead to keep what I consider to be that burden to myself. And so, you’d think, with having this I’d enjoy reading books that discuss depression but in fact I tend to avoid them. It’s that conundrum of wanting to feel represented, but then not wanting to see yourself in the characters because it’s too depressing. Also, in my experience, most books about depression are about fixing it.
Which is fine. I suppose. But also, meh.
What’s funny, at least to me, is that I like to read about characters whose lives are far more interesting than mine. This ties in pretty well to why I don’t like to read contemporary novels because, for many reasons, I find the lives of the people I’m reading about to be quite dull. I don’t care about reading the story of a divorced woman finding a new love. I don’t care to read about people succeeding at their jobs. I’m perpetually uninterested in what seem like average stories to me.
And I’ll be frank, I don’t fully know where I was going with this post.
I just know that the mornings are the hardest part of my days. The worst thing about being depressed is getting up. It’s leaving that dream world behind where I find life to be so much less dull and grinding that kills me. But I still get up. And lately, that’s been somewhat easier. It’s not because I feel better, but because I know I have no choice. I can’t stay in bed all morning because my puppy needs to be let out. I’m less inclined to call out sick to work because I’ve woken up to take him to the bathroom.
And after I’ve let him out? That’s when I turn on my audiobooks as I crawl back into bed for about thirty more minutes of precious sleep. And I wake up to stories that I love. It’s not a big change. I’m not less depressed. But I think it makes it easier.