The funny thing about depression that I’ve noticed over the years is that, while you have every intention of getting something done and you’re excited about your goals, there’s always this weight holding you back from getting it done. Ironically, as I move forward to try and really address my issues with this particular aspect of my life, it’s right at the time that I brought myself to burn out with nearly everything.
I went into my weekend certain that I would be able to catch up on posts for the week and proceeded to do exactly everything but that very thing I’d had the goal of. And for me, what a lot of it comes down to is the fact that my depression always seems to decrease my energy to put in effort. Often it starts with the smallest, easiest part which would be getting my laptop. And I don’t know why this always seems to be the hardest part.
And then it spirals as I think about each added thing that I would have to put effort into to finally achieve my goal. In the strangest way, it’s exhausting. The world suddenly becomes so overwhelming. And it’s as though just thinking about everything that is encompassed in simply doing something saps all the energy I had ready in the first place.
So, I spent my entire weekend reading instead of actually getting anything done.
I’ve been trying to take a more active role in seeking ways to deal with my depression and in that I know my blog has been taking a backseat as a result. It makes me sad, at times, but I also know that you all have been so amazing about the times when I’ve had to take a hiatus on posting. Though I’ll admit it is somewhat disheartening to see my stats go down, the nice thing that has come from this is the fact that I’m not checking it near constantly anymore either.
I’m not really the sort of person that hides that I’m depressed, though I think a big piece to that comes with my ability to hide its effects from literally everyone. I’ve been with my boyfriend for six and a half years and he only just recently began to recognize how severe it is to the point that I’ve been considering medication for the better part of this year. I’m still scared of it, of course, so I haven’t started just yet though I’ve gone through the steps to get there.
And I guess, while this post is somewhat for all of you so that you know where I’m at and why posting may be sporadic throughout the next month or so–honestly, who knows when I’ll be able to be more consistent?–and it’s also partially for me just to talk about it a little bit.
One area of my life that all of this has effected immensely is my ability to finish my WIP, which I have consistently left to the wayside as a result of how much effort it feels like I have to exert to get it done. It’s fascinating and devastating to me how much of my energy I can lose from simply thinking about trying to do something like write. I’ve always been the sort of person who easily fatigues from things I find overwhelming and it’s adversely affecting my life.
So, if I can manage it I might take some time off so I can work on building my ability to actually write and finish this novel. I unfortunately often find that my work takes everything I have out of me throughout the week and I’m stuck with no ability to be productive once I return home. And so as I’m thinking out loud about all of this, it’s just something I recognize I want to work on for the future.
If energy is captured in a jar, I think I begin each day half-full. And the opening through which that energy escapes is larger than I think the average is.
I was posting five times a day last month.
That probably won’t be happening this month. But I’m grateful to those of you who stick around.